Tick tock

This Friday is the book launch for my second book, Risk. As the day gets closer, my friends have been asking me more frequently whether or not I’m nervous or excited about the launch.

So, just let me get this out there… no, I haven’t really experienced any sort of nervousness. And that’s because I have other things on my mind.

I have to go over the excerpts from the book I’m planning to read to entertain the folks who have decided to attend the launch. Thank god, there will be friendly faces in the audience. At least, they know what I’m like and will understand my occasional moronic tone whenever I open my mouth.

God bless ’em, they’re more excited about the launch than me. Someone needs to take my share of excitement. I’m busy thinking of shit.

And one of the things I’m thinking about is how comfortable or uncomfortable I’ll be putting myself out there. I am a naturally (more often than not, intensely) private person. That might seem to go against the fact I have a blog. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I blog what I’m comfortable with sharing.

That means my family is off limits. My daily routine is off limits. Any specifics that I regard as extremely personal and nobody’s business but my own are off limits.

I know people who are hopelessly and irritatingly nosy. They can’t help but need to know everybody’s business. I suppose they’re following the ‘knowledge is power’ concept. Answer me this… Where is the power in knowing everything you can about a person with whom you’re not interested in having as a real friend? If you’re doing that, you’re treating those folks as some sort of enemy, as some sort of imagined competition. You’re trying to find some way to get the upper hand whenever you interact with that person. Why the fuck do you need the upper hand? I think you need to talk to somebody about that.

Anyway, I know who you fucking clowns are. Do me a fucking favour… go live your life and leave me the fuck alone and I’ll do you the same courtesy. Don’t waste your time trying to be a ‘friend,’ I know who my friends are. I have enough. Quality over quantity.

As you might be figuring out right now, I’m warring between the idea of putting myself there and staying under the radar.

That conflict became pretty clear on Saturday. The bookstore where the book launch will be held, runs a weekly ad of upcoming events in the local newspaper. My silly mug and the launch details were one of the upcoming events highlights in Saturday’s ad. Oh, boy.

When I say ‘oh boy,’ I mean “Jesus-fucking-Christ, there are folks I haven’t seen in ages, don’t ever want to see again and still live in the same city as me, who might see the ad and think ‘So, that’s what’s she’s doing now.’ ” They might actually be stupid enough to think of attending the launch. Out of sheer fucking stupid curiosity.

I don’t care to go down memory lane with those fuckwads. There’s a reason we haven’t kept in touch. They want to attend? Fine. They wanna buy the book? Great! They wanna keep touch? Not a hope in Hell. Have a nice life and go fuck yourself.

So, yeah, I might be needlessly thinking about who the fuck is going to pop back into my life. But I can’t dismiss the possibility. 

Then there are the folks who I would consider acquaintances. They’re the ones who don’t know nothing about me or know much of anything substantively personal about me. Some are harmless. Others… well, the jury is still out. Obviously, the harmless ones are fine. The ones where the jury is still deciding on? I just might plunk them in with the ‘power is knowledge’ fuckers and be done with them.

Yeah, public events like this make me little antsy because I start thinking about who I don’t want to see there. I’d handle it better if the event was taking place in a city where no one or only a handful of people personally knew me.

Sure, a book launch is a public event. I can’t tell certain individuals to not show up even though it seems like I’ve fired off a salvo to those who have a pretty good idea they’re on my shit list.

But I’m going to look at this event as it’s about my book and not about me. Okay, that kind of thinking might seem a little strange because you probably shouldn’t separate the book from its author.

Well, I’m separating the ‘personal’ me from the ‘author’ me. The author me will be there to talk about the book. For the friends who will be there, they’ll get both when I interact with them. For those, who I have no idea who they are, they will get a grateful author. For those who I really didn’t want to see or offer their so-called support, they’ll get ‘I’m going to be nice but don’t push your luck or I will kill you’ me.

Despite all that grousing, I am looking forward to the launch even though I have to read excerpts from the book. Again, it’s about the book, not me.

It also means after this Friday, I can start laying down the groundwork for my next writing projects. And that’s where I am happiest.

Off in my own little world.

Decompress? Well, I’m trying

Well, this is going to be kind of short. Why? I’ve been just plain ole’ distracted. That’s why. 

Part of it has to do with the fact that the book launch is a little over a month away. And it also has to do with the fact that yesterday, the manuscript was cleared to be turned into a book.

So, while I’m not literally bouncing off the walls at this development, my brain is revving at a really high rpm right now. It’s doing its own bouncing around. To be honest, I don’t remember being this geared up when I was getting the first novel ready and getting my shit ready for that book launch.

Maybe I’m just more excited about what I’ve written this time. Because I know I’ve done what I set out to do when I started working on this novel. Because my mentor has said my writing keeps getting better. He’s not one to lie. That would be a disservice to me and to him if he did.

I just feel confident about what I’ve written. It’s not a brag. It’s a feeling. It’s hard to explain. Regardless of how people will receive this book, I know I’m on the path that’s right for me in my journey as a writer.

I’m also feeling ambitious. I want to really start figuring out and mapping out how to go about working on my next writing endeavours after this book comes out.

But it seems my brain needs to decompress before I dive into another long-term project. I started decompressing awhile ago. Just kind of fell into it without thinking about it. I had hoped I would have been done with decompressing by now but apparently my brain isn’t done yet. Maybe after the book launch I’ll be done decompressing. But I’m thinking that’s probably a lie. 

What to do, what to do. Maybe I should actually try to decompress after the launch is done. Yeah, good luck with that.

One way or another, I’ll figure something out.