Brave, mad and happy

There’s a fine line between brave and mad. But whatever I do, I go for it — Viv Albertine

Everything that has given me nothing but joy came from the simple and seemingly harmless thought of ‘why not?’

That however, does not include romantic relationships. I attribute those to sheer stupidity stemming from a boat load of insecurities. If I had been saner, I would have never entered into any of those relationships. That’s just the god-honest truth. I don’t particularly give a fuck if any of my exes are offended by this statement. I’m sure they wished they had never met me either.

Anyway, I try to straddle the line between brave and mad with regards to my passions. Depending what it is, I think I fall into mad territory more often than not. I think I start out brave, then I just fall into utter madness.

Right now, I might be falling into utter madness with my writing. There are works-in-progress that I’m excited about tackling. None of them, however, are the long-term projects I had been thinking about. For now, the stories I plan to tackle have nothing to do with traditional publishing.

As a friend pointed out to me last night as we were messaging each other about her current work-in-progress, I’m re-prioritizing. She’s not wrong. I have been re-prioritizing for a long time. In baby steps. It’s only now, this year, that I’m kicking those changes into overdrive and making them as much as a reality as I can.

Throughout our lives, we’re always re-prioritizing what’s important to us. There’s a fluidity to life that we have to follow. Not following it will only lead to more grief than we care to handle. I can’t stay where I’m at. There’s no growth. I’m being challenged for all the wrong reasons and not the right ones. That’s what I’m re-prioritizing for. To be challenged for the right reasons. And to continue growing.

Me being stagnant is a very bad idea. Bad things happen.

Re-prioritizing, for me, also means redefining what it means to wear the mantle of ‘writer’ comfortably and without feeling apologetic that I am a writer. But I wear the mantle of ‘storyteller’ proudly. It might be semantics but I do differentiate the two words.

I’m more interested in honing the craft of storytelling than spinning my wheels trying to figure out my next book. Try too hard and the wheels keep spinning until you’re burning rubber for no good reason. I also believe some of the things that keep me from working on the next book will be found in working on other stories and being around other creative souls.

It might also be my brain engaging in self-preservation. When you devoted a good chunk of time to writing a novel, you sometimes don’t realize how much your brain wants to decompress and have fun. That’s what I’m doing now. Decompressing by having fun with the writing I’m currently working on.

There is still lots of bravery and madness to be found in what I’m doing now. It’s available by the boat loads. It’s something I gladly take on because nothing else makes me happier.

Change is afoot

I would like to start off with an apology to those who expecting a new blog post last week. But given usual amount of traffic I get for this blog, I’m going to take a wild guess that nobody really noticed.

To be honest, I’m not bothered by that probability. This blog was created for my amusement and to keep writing when other aspects of my writing were (for various reasons) at a standstill. This blog wasn’t created to build followers.

It turns out, that I’ve been busy writing since my second book, Risk, came out last November.

No, I’m not working on another book just yet. But I have a bunch of ‘little’ creative projects and a collaboration with an illustrator/artist who lives on the other side of the world that will keep me busy for this year.

I’m starting to build the writing life I’ve been wanting to live. Is it going bring in extra income? I don’t think so. It would be nice but that’s not the endgame for me. I’m doing this because it makes my creative soul happy.

Creating that life includes making some changes. To start, I’ll be posting bi-weekly here. Posting weekly isn’t working for me anymore. But I don’t want to let this site gather dust, so we’ll see how posting bi-weekly goes.

Another change I want to make hasn’t been implemented yet. By mid-April, a number of folks at a non-profit organization I volunteer for, will have to start looking for my replacement. I love this organization but it’s time for a change. My goals simply don’t match up with their goals anymore. Something else is calling me and I have to follow.

So, there you go. I’m off to build a writing life I plan to inhabit. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.

More than a need

Ignore all advice about writing. Leave your blood on every page. Every page! — Miriam Toews

This week, it looks like I’ll be rolling up my sleeves to get down to the business of building and nurturing the writing life I want to thrive in. 

I’ll be meeting with my mentor this week to catch up on a lot of things. He is going to get an earful from me because of recent decisions I’ve made regarding my writing. This is significant because I plan to do one-on-one sessions with him from now. The writing group set-up isn’t working for me anymore. Things might be a bit constraining.

I suppose it’s partly to do with my development as a writer and the things that I want to pursue as a storyteller. I might be a little ambitious as fuck.

But that’s too simplistic. I think it’s more than just being ambitious as fuck. There is a need. Yes, there is a need to write. But there is also a need to remind myself to have fun. To not turn writing into a job. Because, let’s be honest, that would be the kiss of death for me.

I have a better idea of what will inhabit my writing life and how I want to inhabit that life. I’m pretty excited by the lay of the land. The somewhat scary thing about this is seeing how it will all come together. I know what I want to do. But I don’t know how everything will co-exist. And on top of that, how will my writing life blend into a life that has proven on numerous occasions to be quite chaotic. 

I’m already dreading how chaotic February and March is going to be because in the last 10 years or so, I’ve always referred to that time period as the busy season. The upcoming busy season (February being the bigger villain of the two) could very well be the worst and I’m not being a fucking drama queen when I say that.

I know something has got to give. And I will blow up the busy season if not this coming year, then within the next two years. It’s inevitable.

Quite frankly, I’d like to blow it up now. But it wouldn’t be fair to the parties involved so I’ll have to ride through it to the other side. And then blow it up. Give them time to look for someone else who can volunteer their time. Even if I was getting paid, I’d probably pull the plug all the same.

Depending how crazy things get, I may end up cutting ties sooner than expected. The time is coming to move on. 

This need to write, to be a storyteller, is more powerful than I had expected. And I’m in awe of it and want to embrace it. It’s not everyday you become aware of how powerful a passion can be. Some refer to this passion as a calling.

Do I want to refer to this need as a calling? I probably will refer to it as a calling. But I’m not gonna pretend that whatever I write will change the world. Far from it. If only a handful of people who read my stories ‘get’ me, that’s more than fine with me. I knew a long time ago that I wouldn’t be able to please everyone nor do I want to. That’s a kind of validation I don’t seek.

I seek to be the best storyteller I can be. Most of the time, the way I go about it is unconventional for a lot of people. But it works for me. And at the end of the day, I couldn’t give a shit what anybody else thinks.