One foot on the ground

I make sure I always surround myself with good, down to earth, fun, real people, who always keep me grounded — Sean Kingston

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly nor do I think I’ve ever behaved that way for a specific period during my life. I’m definitely not a Chatty Cathy.

But I do appreciate the gregarious natures exhibited in a good chunk of my friends. Thankfully, none of them are Chatty Cathys. The fact that anybody can run their mouths off like there’s no tomorrow is astonishing and physically and mentally fatiguing to those who have to listen to them.

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been reminded of the importance of friends who I hold close to my heart and whose presence in my life are good for my soul. It wasn’t the kind of reminder that screams from the tallest building for anyone and everyone to hear. It was the kind of reminder that calmly comes up behind me and places its hand on my shoulder to remind me I can lean on them. No drama. No showboating. Just a quiet strength I can use when I need to call on it.

I’ve never understood why a person would want scads and scads of friends. Maybe it’s a different kind of hoarding. I think part of it is based on the personality they possess. Some people are good at maintaining a huge swath of friends.

For someone like me, maintaining a huge swath of friends seems like a lot of work. I’m happy with the people I have in my life. It took me a good chunk of my twenties to figure out what I wanted out of life and who were worth keeping as friends as I went through the process.

Turns out I’m still shedding and refining the relationships I want to keep today. And I’m still figuring out what I want out of life. I think I’ll always be hungry for more out of my life.

This shedding and refining is a continuous process. I’d like to think that the friends I have now will be the ones I have 10 to 25 years from now. But I also understand the fluidity of life. I hope the people I am closest to and cherish their friendship the most will continue to be in my life for a long time to come. As for the rest, the fluidity of life dictates that change is constant. Therefore, I’m fine with relationships that ultimately have a limited shelf life. As long as the relationships were positive and nurturing during its existence, I’ll consider myself lucky for having known those people during that time. Anything less than that, well… I’ll consider myself lucky that it’s over.

The friends I cherish the most are the ones who keep me grounded so I can soar. They make me happy. I am blessed. I am lucky. I am ready to soar.

Sometimes, you can’t go back

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend — William Blake

Last week, an former friend left me a message via Facebook. She was someone I had not spoken to in more than 15 years.

In the final months, it was a friendship that was stagnating and in the process of slowly dying a painful death.

I felt the changes but, it seemed she was unaware of the fundamental shift that was happening.

How do you tell someone that the friendship is dying? That it’s headed towards the grave? That it’s time to walk away and find the people you are meant to have in your life?

No easy answers.

I won’t get into specifics regarding the disintegration of the friendship, but I can tell you this. She and I, (I’ll call her Misha) along with two other friends, had known each other since we were 13 years old. There was a time where I believed they were my best friends. That was until a classmate decided she wanted to my friends to be her friends as long as I was out of the picture.

Why I seemed to be a threat to this girl, I’ll never know. She was bully. She bullied me and scared my friends into not standing up for me. They just watched the bully take any opportunity to denigrate to me. The bully was a cunt and I guess the cunt didn’t like academically smart people. Or maybe she thought Chinese girls were easier to bully because they weren’t known for fighting back. Yeah, fuck you, too, you fucking waste of a human being.

When you have that kind of karma enveloping you, karma will eventually turn into a bitch and take you down. I have no idea what that cunt is doing these days. She could be dead for all I know. More likely, she’s living the life her karma has afforded her.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Anyway, this bullying lasted a school year. It took that long for the cunt to get tired of my friends and look for amorally-inclined friends. On the last day of school, Misha and the others apologized to me for everything that had transpired over the school year. They wanted to be friends with me again. I don’t think they asked for my forgiveness but I gave it to them anyway without saying a word. I did it because I still cared about them. The option of walking away and making a new set of friends never entered my mind.

It was only years later, that I realized being abandoned by my friends — regardless of the circumstances behind the abandonment — cut a lot deeper into my psyche than I had expected. That realization came when I knew I had to walk away from Misha and everyone associated with her.

Why did I walk away from this friendship? Well, it pretty much ran its course. Everything has a lifespan. That includes friendships. My friendship with Misha et al. had a lifespan. How did I know this to be true? I believe when you hang out with your friends, you shouldn’t feel the need to get the fuck away from them because they’re sucking the life out of you, intentionally or unintentionally. I was consistently left feeling uninspired and searching for positivity elsewhere after spending time with them.

It felt like she and the others were spinning their wheels and I had found traction and was doing circles around them because of all the things I had in my life at the time — work, horses, photography — and my insatiable need to learn which included learning who I was. I was (and still am) learning about myself. Learning what mattered to me, learning what made me tick and learning what I stood for. Something my friends were not doing for themselves.

So, when it came time to tell Misha I had to pull away from the circle of friends for a little while to sort out stuff. Yes, I made it sound like I had a problem, that I was the bad guy. Better to be the bad guy than to tell her the truth the friendship was all but dead. I knew she wouldn’t understand that some friendships weren’t forever. Especially ours.

Side note: the conversation was done through emails. I know, disintegration of a relationship via email. A modern-day classic.

It didn’t matter that I described my need to be away from them as a ‘break.’ Misha didn’t take it well. It took her two weeks to stew over my need to be on my own to fire back an email (a day before my birthday, as a matter of fact) to tell me how horrible a friend I was becoming. She proceeded to cite the number of times she felt I wasn’t being a good friend/person. All rubbish. All bullshit. And she knew it.

She’s lucky I never called her on the desperate comment she made regarding the idea of giving her four-year-old daughter some Paxil, an anti-depressant, to help with her separation anxiety. Why Paxil? Because Misha was taking it for her general anxiety. It worked for her. Why wouldn’t it work for her little girl?

I was too dumbfounded to tell her that really wasn’t a good idea. Her daughter was having issues with Misha going to back to work. The girl was tearful and probably inconsolable whenever Misha walked out the door to go to work. I think talking to another mom who has dealt with separation anxiety or to a child psychologist would have been more helpful than contemplating the concept of giving a four-year-old an anti-depressant.

Did she ever give her daughter Paxil? I don’t know. I’d like to think that she found her marbles and tossed the idea out with the garbage.

So, Misha succeeded in pissing me off a day before my birthday. Really? A day before my birthday? Passive aggressive, much? There was a period of time afterwards I regarded her as a cunt. Now? Not anymore.

I looked at her email and proceeded to refute every hasty claim she made against me. Instead of telling her to fuck off and die, I suggested we meet somewhere for coffee and talk. A little face-to-face time. Sort things out. Tell her the truth, perhaps. Yep, I lobbed that ball back into her court. Did she take me up on the offer? Nope. She emailed back saying she had misunderstood my intentions and said it was alright for me to take time for myself. Gee, I didn’t realize I needed her permission to toddle off.

That feeling of abandonment I experienced during the year I was bullied had returned. Not that I thought Misha was abandoning me. I never thought that. It was the feeling of being letdown again by someone who I thought was my friend. Did I feel like being letdown a third time by the same person? They say third time is a charm. Yeah, well, fuck it. I wasn’t going to stick around for a third time. I didn’t send her a parting shot. I just stopped communicating with her and the others. Just like that.

And that folks, is one of a million ways a friendship can die.

Over the years, I have thought about her and the others. But I have never had any desire to see them again. That door is closed and I’m not interested in opening it. I’m kind of surprised we had managed to not bump into each other on the street, given the size of the city. It speaks to the different circles we run in.

And back to the reason for this blogpost… the private message Misha sent me via Facebook. What compelled her to contact me, I’ll never know. She said a number of things in her message.

First, she didn’t know how our friendship imploded the way it did, but was sorry for everything that happened. She acknowledged that I had always been a good friend. She was the one who faltered at it.

Okay.

Second, she attributed her behaviour to issues she was facing at the time. Issues she didn’t share with me or wasn’t ready to discuss back then. She said they were only explanations, not excuses for her behaviour.

Okay. Good of her to acknowledge that. I’m not sure why she thought I wouldn’t be supportive with whatever she was going through at the time. Up until the implosion, I had been nothing but supportive.

Third, all that crap she eventually faced after all these years is ‘water under the bridge.’

Good. Glad to hear she has her shit together.

Fourth, she told me how her daughters were doing and how proud she was of them. They are bright, whip smart and independent-minded young ladies.

It was nice to hear her girls are thriving.

Finally, she told me she never forgot me and over the years, thoughts of me would enter into her consciousness. She reiterated she was sorry. She said I didn’t have to respond to the message. She said she was ‘cool with it’ if I opted not to respond to her. She just wanted me to know how she still felt about me and the whole falling out debacle.

Well, I had a weak moment and thought about having proper closure to a part of my life I had walked away from. I thought I could send her a message to let her know that I had read her message and I accepted her apology.

But I have no intention of renewing the friendship. What’s done is done.

However, it’s kinda hard to respond to someone whose name is ‘Facebook User.’ Yep, Misha’s name is ‘Facebook User.’ Just fucking brilliant. Invite a response by presenting an open door when, in fact, there was no door in the first place. Just fucking brilliant.

What reason could there be to have a person be identified as ‘Facebook User’? Could it be she blocked me from seeing her account? Could it be she deactivated her account right after she sent her message? What would be the point in doing that? Was this her way of getting in the last word? Would she not know that deactivating her account essentially keeps me from contacting her? I’d like think she erred on her part. But I doubt it. She can’t possibly be that stupid, right?

In a perfect world, this kind of apology deserved to be said in-person, not through private messaging via social media. She didn’t have the nerve to have a heart-to-heart talk 15 years ago. Why would she want to have one now?

Anyway, I still wish her all the best. I’ve always wanted the best for her regardless of whether or not I was a part of her life. Does that mean I forgive her? If I wish her well, that means I’ve forgiven her, right? I have no idea.

I still have no intention of having her back in my life. Sometimes, you can’t go back.

My life is with the friends I have now. Naturally, I am amenable to making more new friends who are as crazy as I am. But the lot I have now are beyond great.

And I wouldn’t trade them in for the world.

Regretful? Never… just wistful

I have many regrets, and I’m sure everyone does. The stupid things you do, you regret… if you have any sense, and if you don’t regret them, maybe you’re stupid – Katharine Hepburn

I’d like to put in an addendum to Hepburn’s quote.

Aside from the stupid things you do, you regret, I’d like to add that the things (stupid or not) you didn’t do, you regret, too.

I’m cool with regretting things I’ve done.

All my ex-whatevers would fall under that column. I’m sure they would not be surprised that they’re on this list. I’m sure they feel the same way about me.

I also have an infinitely longer list of people I wish I never had the aneurysm-producing pleasure of meeting. But in order to experience the full spectrum of life, it’s necessary to be exposed to the good, the bad and the undeniably questionable. The questionable, more often than not, never fails to be the fun stuff. The stuff of memories and legends.

But would I make the same mistakes… walk down that path, again? Yes, I would. Why? Because every choice I’ve made, every challenge thrown at me and every person I’ve met (yes, even the ones I want to hang upside down and beat the shit out of like a pinata), has led me to this point in my life. It hasn’t been too shabby. Sure, there are things I still want to tackle before I become dust in the wind. While those goals are always achievable, it seems I need several lifetimes (we’re talking in the double digits, folks) to get through my seriously-need-to-do list.

Although I’m cool with regretting the things I’ve done, I’m not so cool with the things I could have, would have, should have done but didn’t do. Most of the things that fall into this category, I don’t lose sleep over. I shrug my shoulders and keep moving forward because dwelling on the past isn’t productive. Never is.

I’ll admit there is one regret that I have. I’m not even sure if it’s really a regret since I mull over it as a ‘what if.’ However, what-ifs are just as dangerously unproductive as the regrets.

This one regret is a guy I went to college with. We were classmates. He was funny, larger than life but self-deprecating and humble. He still is. We could have had a relationship. Fuck, we probably should have had a relationship. So, what happened? Lack of clear communication about his intentions and a bit of miscommunication and misreading on my part. I think that’s the best way to describe it. It was an opportunity that came and went. But not without some angst on his part and cluelessness on mine, I suppose.

I’ll take the blame for screwing up the chance to be with someone who had the best opportunity to ruin me in future relationships. If that sounds really confusing, don’t lose any brain cells figuring that one out. Trust me when I say it makes absolute sense to me.

Anyway, years later, we reconnected via Facebook and email. And we had one phone conversation where he admitted the feelings he had for me back in college. I was stunned. And this was where I apologized for the miscommunication and misreading for his intentions.

I won’t go into detail about the conversation that night. It stays between him and me.

If you’re wondering if we ever got around to giving it another shot, I can tell you – no, we didn’t. We were and are fully entrenched in the lives we have now. We live in two different countries even though we are on the same continent. I’m not one to shy away from the idea of a long-distance relationship but other factors have to be place for me to give it a go. Those factors were never in place. Our personal trajectories don’t align in any way that would permit the possibility of seeing if sparks would fly again.

I’m okay with that. He’s okay with that. He’s doing great in a career he loves and was born to do. Me? I don’t mind meandering through life, throwing myself into small indulgences and learning more about myself and my place in this world.

But still, the odd little thing will set me off and I do think of him and what-if.

What was the odd little thing this time? A song that actor Oscar Isaac performed in a movie called 10 Years which also starred Channing Tatum. You can check the IMDb website for specs and storyline about the movie. I came across the song and scene snippet by accident. I have never seen the movie. It’s described as a romantic comedy drama. I’m not a fan of romantic comedies, even if there is a touch or healthy dose of drama.

As much as I love Isaac, it’s a movie that doesn’t make my Top 100 movies to-watch list. I feel the same way about Jamie Dornan who played Christian Grey in the film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey. The man is a very good, if not brilliant actor. I first saw him in the British series The Fall opposite Gillian Anderson. He knows how to play creepy and slightly unhinged. So perfect. I loved him in that series. I will watch Dornan in anything except in 50 Shades of Grey. E.L. James has plenty of money. She doesn’t need mine to line her pockets.

So, in the movie 10 Years, there is a scene where Isaac’s character, Reeves, is at some sort of open mic event and he performs a song about Elise (played by Kate Mara) — who happens to be in the audience — and his unrequited love for her. I’m going to assume Elise and Reeves get together by the end of the movie. Wild guess.

Anyway, the song is called Never Had. It’s a great little song. Listening to the lyrics made me think of my friend. Granted, the lyrics are very specific to Reeves’ and Elise’s story but the spirit and sentiment behind the song’s existence resonated with me. It is the best expression of how I feel about him, in particular, the chorus:

Through the good times and the bad
You were the best I never had
The only chance I wish I had to take

But there was no writing on the wall
No warning signs to follow
I know now and I can’t just forget
You’re the best I never had

Yeah, it got me thinking. And not necessarily in a bad way. More wistful than anything else. Here is the tail end of the final verse before it kicks into the chorus one last time:

And I hope this song I’m singing
Some day finds you
Wherever you may be

I’m pretty sure my friend doesn’t read this blog. Mainly because I never mentioned it to him. And because I didn’t start this blogsite until long after our conversation ended. Today, we are in each other’s peripheral vision but we don’t directly communicate all that often. Different trajectories.

Maybe this blogpost will some day find him wherever he may be. I hope he knows I’m talking about him. I don’t want him to tell me he read it. I just want him to know how I will always feel about him.

The best I never had.